Decision

In desperation, I opened myself up

To anyone who felt they could partake,

And I mistook this for love.

In my ignorance.

I cared not for consequence,

Refused to think

Beyond myself.

In naiveté I hid the truth

Inside

and denied

That this could be the fact.

In my pride and fear

I sought no help,

Hid my shame away.

In negligence I held you

And refused to let you go

To a loving caring home

That I could not provide.

In my youth

Thinking I would be enough,

And never faced tomorrow.

In deceitfulness

I kept the knowledge of your birth

From you,

Thinking that love will find a way.

But it didn’t, and the fact remains

That you will always seek a name.

A face

A place

So in sorrow now I miss you

In misery I cry,

I yearn for you

And cry out to a God

Who forgives my sins

But cannot change the past.

© TARA GILL

We often hear about those who have made the decision to terminate a pregnancy, give a child up for adoption. All decisions are difficult when a life is involved. Children looking for their parent or siblings in later life.

The decision to keep a baby can be equally as hard to make. The child moving in your womb causes the hormones and physiological changes work as they should, to bond you to your child. So giving a baby away is a very difficult thing to do. For a young person as I was, I didn't understand what the needs of the child would be. I certainly look back and think, I wasn't thinking of my child at all, only my own need. My home was not the best place to bring a little child up. I regret nothing of loving and birthing him, He was filling emptiness in my heart that my family never gave me. However his life was very difficult as a result. I often wonder would he have done better away from me?

It doesn't matter how old you are the thoughts will always be there and the memory of that first cry doesn't fade.

If you have an experience you would like to share, I would love to hear your thoughts.

Photo by Florian Schmetz on Unsplash