In desperation, I opened myself up
To anyone who felt they could partake,
And I mistook this for love.
In my ignorance.
I cared not for consequence,
Refused to think
Beyond myself.
In naiveté I hid the truth
Inside
and denied
That this could be the fact.
In my pride and fear
I sought no help,
Hid my shame away.
In negligence I held you
And refused to let you go
To a loving caring home
That I could not provide.
In my youth
Thinking I would be enough,
And never faced tomorrow.
In deceitfulness
I kept the knowledge of your birth
From you,
Thinking that love will find a way.
But it didn’t, and the fact remains
That you will always seek a name.
A face
A place
So in sorrow now I miss you
In misery I cry,
I yearn for you
And cry out to a God
Who forgives my sins
But cannot change the past.
© TARA GILL
We often hear about those who have made the decision to terminate a pregnancy, give a child up for adoption. All decisions are difficult when a life is involved. Children looking for their parent or siblings in later life.
The decision to keep a baby can be equally as hard to make. The child moving in your womb causes the hormones and physiological changes work as they should, to bond you to your child. So giving a baby away is a very difficult thing to do. For a young person as I was, I didn't understand what the needs of the child would be. I certainly look back and think, I wasn't thinking of my child at all, only my own need. My home was not the best place to bring a little child up. I regret nothing of loving and birthing him, He was filling emptiness in my heart that my family never gave me. However his life was very difficult as a result. I often wonder would he have done better away from me?
It doesn't matter how old you are the thoughts will always be there and the memory of that first cry doesn't fade.
If you have an experience you would like to share, I would love to hear your thoughts.
Photo by Florian Schmetz on Unsplash